Worth the Wait (Audio Included)

Today I decided to share a piece of my personal life, which I normally keep very private. To understand this post in its entirety, please read the poem that was written for me first before proceeding to read my past and current thoughts on LOVE. The audio is attached below for you to listen if you prefer. Enjoy!Laughing

Third Times a Charm

 It is said that everything in my past has prepared me for this present; her presence gets me lifted higher than John. I have tasted heaven from the essence of this legend.  All things are possible thru God is a little bit more reality to me because the possibility of she was impossible to see until I met Her. Though I talk a good game I always felt that the feeling she brings was one of a distance dream, a serendipitous thing, never to truly be captured by me. Sometimes I feel closer to God because I have an angel by my side.  She has revealed in me secrets that I didn’t know existed.  She has unlocked my pandora’s box to conceal hate and let Love dictate every action we make. Pay attention as I make love with these words I demonstrate the strength of destiny’s fate.

She possesses many things within that five-foot frame. She is caring, loving, and inspires me to do no wrong. She is beautiful in so many more ways than just physical; she bears the potential to be that tight beat that completes my life’s song. With her my days are a little bit brighter, my smile a little bit wider, and my future is more focused.  She has me up so high; she is my crack, my coke, my heroin, my drug.  She is the alcohol that I taste at night to get just that right, while she will be cumin from my buzz.  You see she’s got me up so high that my eyes are peeking into Heaven as the butterflies are dancing in my belly and my feet are scraping the sky every time I think of her. 

I hope this feeling never fades but simply grows and reinvents itself with the coming of each day.  And on that Tuesday when fate would not allow me to catch you from your fall to earth, though I know it must have hurt. I realized that you might be my angel sent down from Heaven, my own special blessing.  And if the Lord has you in store for me thru happiness and pain then I promise to never let you fall again.  I will hold you up forever or at least until we can fall together. 

~Your Darius Lovehall


When this poem found me again after almost a decade since my eyes last laid eyes on it, it made me feel like it was 2005 all over again because it felt so familiar, yet so strange at the same time. I remember the utter disbelief that filled my brain of confusion and joy when I heard those words from his mouth on the phone that day. I couldn’t believe that this incredible soul that I knew for less than 1 week, could say such beautiful things about me, the girl who was guarded, prideful, and extremely terrified of being lost in someone else.

You see my definition of love had a tainted view based upon what I witnessed. I thought fallin in love was an utter waste of time because who in their right mind would invest energy into something that hurts and strips away happiness.  Love to me equaled the acceptance of pain and a cold-heart and I never wanted to sign up for that sorrow.  Well that was until I met HIM….

 Seeing myself in his eyes made me not only want to believe in love, but also it made me want to take the first step in believing in me. It took that one moment to increase the value and worth of me. It took that one moment for me to feel exposed and vulnerable and not care. It took that one moment for me to fall in love for the first time and embrace it with a smile, but not speak the words….well not at that time anyway.

Although we never did fall together and the aftermath left me damaged and bitter, his words gave me conformation that maybe that UNTAINTED LOVE was out there somewhere. But instead of holding on to that hope, I returned to my old ways and eventually landed myself in a 4 year on-again/mainly off-again TOXIC relationship, (my 1st and only relationship by the way). This proved that my theory of love was right. Of course I got hurt, but I was also my absolute WORSE self when I was with him and I was angry all the time. At one point, I thought I deserved him and his cheating ways and I wasn’t even comfortable being my REAL self. Also, I wasn’t sure of who I disliked more….. him or me.   

When that situation finally ended for good, I blamed him for my heartache and took no personal responsibility until one day I started to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put them back together. Upon doing this, I realized that my ish stunk too, like really bad. I started to search within and figure out why I was so angry because obviously it was more than just the cheating and constant neglect that left me scorned.

Like with everything else in life, you become a product of your environment, experiences, and things you believe. And after a while, these things become an excuse for your behavior that you claim is who you are, but is it really? My original definition of love was based on other people’s negative experiences and it controlled my actions without me even being aware of it. I ran from love a lot. Guys who started to dig me too much turned me off. I got a high from being a serial dater. And the thought of marriage seemed like a death trap to me. But despite this, I decided to push through and not allow this to be my story anymore.

I chose to work on this because I’m worth the love that I felt over a decade ago. Not because someone else said so but because I believe it to be true now. Being loved at my worse is one of the reasons why I refuse to be stripped of my love experience especially now that I am at my best. Those old “hang-ups” no longer shapes my destiny. I deserve that man out there whose characteristics are sketched on my vision board that hangs high in my doorway.  He will personify my admiration and deepen my smile. He will make me continue to tear down those walls and keep going in my strength. He will be the one that will allow himself to fall deep and know that I will catch him. He won’t complete me, but he will be that beautiful reflection of the love I see in myself. And he will make the simplest things magical.

When I decided to become the best version of myself, I did it with him in mind because as much as I DESERVE HIM, HE DESERVES ME too…. ALL OF ME, WITHOUT HESITATION. So no, I don’t care about older folks counting my eggs and continuously reminding me of how old I am and that I don’t have a man. No, I don’t care that a lot of people my age are in relationships and/or married. And I definitely don’t care about how others perceive marriage based on whatever experiences they have encountered, because guess what??.......IT DOESN’T MATTER!  He is worth the wait and I am too. And I will continue to be a work in progress until our paths meet and even after that, I will choose to be my best self, but this time it will be for us and not just for me.

I am no longer afraid of love or afraid of having hope it in. I choose to relish in positive thoughts of falling in love for the 3rd time and not getting stuck on the after-effects. I am proud to say that I am ready for love and for me maybe the 3rd time will definitely be a charm!!! We shall see. Stay tuned…..

Thanks for reading my loves. I hope this helps you with being ok with waiting and I hope it helps you to never seek for things in other people that you don't have or are not working towards yourself. You are responsible for you ALWAYS and your love life can be whatever you want, but it will require your efforts and best energy

All things LOVE,


Original Post Date: 8/9/17

Hey YOU!

I'm a Little Lady with a HUGE Personality with a BADASS DOPE-Fly FREE Spirit that is here to SERVE you  LOVE, POSITIVITY & LIGHT! I love who the hell I am and I love how I do things and I am VERY UNAPOLOGETIC about my shit. Tongue Out If you are here let's ELEVATE higher TOGETHER and bridge the CONNECTION to ourselves by OUR TRUTH. It's time to LIVE! It's time to GROW and it's time that we RAISE our MIDDLE FINGERS to things, people and ideas that no longer serve us. You ready??? Rock wit me now.

LET'S CONNECT!


   

SUBSCRIBE TO THE SPOT

Weekly Dose of LOVE, POSITIVITY & LIGHT

FOLLOW ME ON THE GRAM


WAKE UP WEDNESDAYS

Charminae Nicole


MY WOMEN'S WELLNESS | PERINATAL CHIROPRACTIC BIZ

Learn More


Today I decided to share a piece of my personal life, which I normally keep very private. To understand this post in its entirety, please read the poem that was written for me first before proceeding to read my past and current thoughts on LOVE. The audio is attached below for you to listen if you prefer. Enjoy!Laughing

Third Times a Charm

 It is said that everything in my past has prepared me for this present; her presence gets me lifted higher than John. I have tasted heaven from the essence of this legend.  All things are possible thru God is a little bit more reality to me because the possibility of she was impossible to see until I met Her. Though I talk a good game I always felt that the feeling she brings was one of a distance dream, a serendipitous thing, never to truly be captured by me. Sometimes I feel closer to God because I have an angel by my side.  She has revealed in me secrets that I didn’t know existed.  She has unlocked my pandora’s box to conceal hate and let Love dictate every action we make. Pay attention as I make love with these words I demonstrate the strength of destiny’s fate.

She possesses many things within that five-foot frame. She is caring, loving, and inspires me to do no wrong. She is beautiful in so many more ways than just physical; she bears the potential to be that tight beat that completes my life’s song. With her my days are a little bit brighter, my smile a little bit wider, and my future is more focused.  She has me up so high; she is my crack, my coke, my heroin, my drug.  She is the alcohol that I taste at night to get just that right, while she will be cumin from my buzz.  You see she’s got me up so high that my eyes are peeking into Heaven as the butterflies are dancing in my belly and my feet are scraping the sky every time I think of her. 

I hope this feeling never fades but simply grows and reinvents itself with the coming of each day.  And on that Tuesday when fate would not allow me to catch you from your fall to earth, though I know it must have hurt. I realized that you might be my angel sent down from Heaven, my own special blessing.  And if the Lord has you in store for me thru happiness and pain then I promise to never let you fall again.  I will hold you up forever or at least until we can fall together. 

~Your Darius Lovehall


When this poem found me again after almost a decade since my eyes last laid eyes on it, it made me feel like it was 2005 all over again because it felt so familiar, yet so strange at the same time. I remember the utter disbelief that filled my brain of confusion and joy when I heard those words from his mouth on the phone that day. I couldn’t believe that this incredible soul that I knew for less than 1 week, could say such beautiful things about me, the girl who was guarded, prideful, and extremely terrified of being lost in someone else.

You see my definition of love had a tainted view based upon what I witnessed. I thought fallin in love was an utter waste of time because who in their right mind would invest energy into something that hurts and strips away happiness.  Love to me equaled the acceptance of pain and a cold-heart and I never wanted to sign up for that sorrow.  Well that was until I met HIM….

 Seeing myself in his eyes made me not only want to believe in love, but also it made me want to take the first step in believing in me. It took that one moment to increase the value and worth of me. It took that one moment for me to feel exposed and vulnerable and not care. It took that one moment for me to fall in love for the first time and embrace it with a smile, but not speak the words….well not at that time anyway.

Although we never did fall together and the aftermath left me damaged and bitter, his words gave me conformation that maybe that UNTAINTED LOVE was out there somewhere. But instead of holding on to that hope, I returned to my old ways and eventually landed myself in a 4 year on-again/mainly off-again TOXIC relationship, (my 1st and only relationship by the way). This proved that my theory of love was right. Of course I got hurt, but I was also my absolute WORSE self when I was with him and I was angry all the time. At one point, I thought I deserved him and his cheating ways and I wasn’t even comfortable being my REAL self. Also, I wasn’t sure of who I disliked more….. him or me.   

When that situation finally ended for good, I blamed him for my heartache and took no personal responsibility until one day I started to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put them back together. Upon doing this, I realized that my ish stunk too, like really bad. I started to search within and figure out why I was so angry because obviously it was more than just the cheating and constant neglect that left me scorned.

Like with everything else in life, you become a product of your environment, experiences, and things you believe. And after a while, these things become an excuse for your behavior that you claim is who you are, but is it really? My original definition of love was based on other people’s negative experiences and it controlled my actions without me even being aware of it. I ran from love a lot. Guys who started to dig me too much turned me off. I got a high from being a serial dater. And the thought of marriage seemed like a death trap to me. But despite this, I decided to push through and not allow this to be my story anymore.

I chose to work on this because I’m worth the love that I felt over a decade ago. Not because someone else said so but because I believe it to be true now. Being loved at my worse is one of the reasons why I refuse to be stripped of my love experience especially now that I am at my best. Those old “hang-ups” no longer shapes my destiny. I deserve that man out there whose characteristics are sketched on my vision board that hangs high in my doorway.  He will personify my admiration and deepen my smile. He will make me continue to tear down those walls and keep going in my strength. He will be the one that will allow himself to fall deep and know that I will catch him. He won’t complete me, but he will be that beautiful reflection of the love I see in myself. And he will make the simplest things magical.

When I decided to become the best version of myself, I did it with him in mind because as much as I DESERVE HIM, HE DESERVES ME too…. ALL OF ME, WITHOUT HESITATION. So no, I don’t care about older folks counting my eggs and continuously reminding me of how old I am and that I don’t have a man. No, I don’t care that a lot of people my age are in relationships and/or married. And I definitely don’t care about how others perceive marriage based on whatever experiences they have encountered, because guess what??.......IT DOESN’T MATTER!  He is worth the wait and I am too. And I will continue to be a work in progress until our paths meet and even after that, I will choose to be my best self, but this time it will be for us and not just for me.

I am no longer afraid of love or afraid of having hope it in. I choose to relish in positive thoughts of falling in love for the 3rd time and not getting stuck on the after-effects. I am proud to say that I am ready for love and for me maybe the 3rd time will definitely be a charm!!! We shall see. Stay tuned…..

Thanks for reading my loves. I hope this helps you with being ok with waiting and I hope it helps you to never seek for things in other people that you don't have or are not working towards yourself. You are responsible for you ALWAYS and your love life can be whatever you want, but it will require your efforts and best energy

All things LOVE,


Original Post Date: 8/9/17

Hey YOU!

I'm a Little Lady with a HUGE Personality with a BADASS DOPE-Fly FREE Spirit that is here to SERVE you LOVE, POSITIVITY & LIGHT! I love who the hell I am and I love how I do things and I am VERY UNAPOLOGETIC about my shit. Tongue Out If you are here let's ELEVATE higher TOGETHER and bridge the CONNECTION to ourselves by OUR TRUTH. It's time to LIVE! It's time to GROW and it's time that we RAISE our MIDDLE FINGERS to things, people and ideas that no longer serve us. You ready??? Rock wit me now.

LET'S CONNECT!


   

SUBSCRIBE TO THE SPOT

Weekly Dose of LOVE, POSITIVITY & LIGHT

FOLLOW ME ON THE GRAM


WAKE UP WEDNESDAYS

Charminae Nicole


MY WOMEN'S WELLNESS | PERINATAL CHIROPRACTIC BIZ

Learn More